The Climb

Sunday was my first scheduled 6 mile route. I was a little surprised at how relaxed I felt since I had pretty much freaked out at the thought of 5 miles! But I was ready on Sunday. Ready to take my time, ready to walk if necessary and ready to just do it so that it was under my belt.

There's a song my husband downloaded for me onto my ipod the night before so that I had it with me if I felt things got tough along the way. A song that has kind of become my theme song since getting sick. It really fits in anywhere along my route to recovery. The little things I would accomplish in the hospital like being able to roll myself over and hold onto the bedrail while the nurses changed my dressings, or the morning I got my feeding tube removed because I had shown them I was able to consume enough calories on my own. Walking the full length of the burn unit with my walker without sitting down to rest, putting on real clothes instead of a hospital gown for the last several days on the unit, and conquering the steps in physical therapy so that I could finally leave the hospital and get back to my life.

I can almost see it
this dream I'm dreaming,
but there's a voice inside my head saying
"You'll never reach it!"

Then it fits with the continuation of physical therapy 3 times a week for 4 months after my release and all of the inredible things I did there. Graduating from a wheelchair and walker to a cane and then eventually letting go of that too. Walking on the treadmill without losing my balance and then jumping one footed on a trampoline. And now it fits with this dream and goal of running my first half marathon.

Every step I'm taking
every move I make
feels lost with no direction
my Faith is shaking

But I gotta keep trying
Gotta keep my head held high

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
Always gonna be an uphill battle
Sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
Ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb...

I started my run and hit the play button. Miley's voice belting through my headphones, I couldn't help but look straight ahead at the road in front of me and break into a smile. I felt so stupid! I just couldn't stop smiling! Why in the hell am I smiling?

The struggles I'm facing
The chances I'm taking
Sometimes might knock me down
But no, I'm not breaking

I may not know it
But these are the moments that
I'm gonna remember most, yeah
Just gotta keep going

And I, I got to be strong
Just keep pushing on...

And somewhere around mile 4, with two miles to go, it finally hit me! I was smiling because I could - could wake up every morning, could watch my children grow, could love my husband, could make our house a home, could go to work and love every moment of it, could call my friends on the phone or have lunch with them, could dream big again, and I could run! Run outside on the pavement like I used to and it didn't feel like running on loose sand. I didn't have to run on a treadmill anymore because I didn't have the strength to run anywhere else or because I was afraid of falling, or I was afraid of my eyes drying out and the pain that came with that, or the bright light from the sun. I could just put on my shoes and shades and run.

As I rounded the corner to our house, with the first 6 mile run I had EVER accomplished behind me, I realized how far I had actually come. Not how much farther I had to go, but the distance I had covered from the beginning of my new life to now. That's how I see it, anyway. My 3 months in the hospital were not about cheating death, but about the opportunity to live my life in a new way. To see the litttle things people talk about, but never truly understand. You hear talk about appreciating life and the things we all take for granted, but nobody ever really grasps that until it's forced upon them. And I'm no different. But I can now say that I do see things differently and in a new light. And as I see it...

There's always gonna be another mountain
I'm always gonna wanna make it move
always gonna be an uphill battle
sometimes I'm gonna have to lose

Ain't about how fast I get there
ain't about what's waiting on the other side
It's the climb - keep moving, keep climbing, keep the faith, keep your faith
It's all about, it's all about the climb!

Thanks, Miley!